embarrassment

Today I felt embarrassed toward a woman. When I looked for why. I felt I was embarrassed because I love her.

I was at a table filled with people preparing a community meal. at first after my discovery I was quiet, surprised.

I said

“I have a problem”. I was asked why.

“I find myself embarrassed toward you”.

“why ?”

At first I was quiet. Then I looked towards the source again.

“because I love you” : even writing this last sentence causes a little anguish.

This is not the first time I did such a thing.

After words I feel better. Relieved.

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Dimensions and distinction original intended

The previous message: https://steptoharmony.wordpress.com/2017/09/30/distinction-and-dimensions/

Was started Late at night after discovery.

The discovery

I was lying in bed meditating, Dealing meditatively with stress in the top of my head due to painful trigeminal nerve.

Fig 4 - Cutaneous innervation to the head and neck.

Dimension bit:  My habit – Do I wear that ? Does it wear out ? – is to be present there with my consciousness. Being careful not to add to the stress . This time I tried , found something different. Namely to send instruction to the spot. The instruction to relax. It worked.

Before I only worked with consciousness. I discovered a new tool, a new dimension.

That was then.

new discovery

I discovered I had to submerge and go to root of the problem.

The root IS more painful.

That is located high op in my nose.

Earlier today I felt it .

Its raw.

I

 

Distincting : body and brain

I ones blamed a book for my mental, state of being but directly noticing that that wrong. The book only presents me whit something. So I will endeavor to keep the eye on fact and impression also on me versus others.

Meditating ones again lying on my bed. The top at the back of my mouth, slightly above my molars was hurting. The top of my head (scalp area) is always hurting.

I put my consciousness there. The pain lessened in my mouth. I noticed that the left side seemed connected to the right side of my brain and similar for the right side of my mouth. It gave the impression of a X. The I became curious.

I changed my focus to lower body and it felt differently located. I only held that briefly. Would the experience be different if held it longer ? Probably.

But that’s for another time.

Write to you later.

Guy

Noticing difference with regards to thinking

A friend remark about my previous post that she was not sure what I meant when I wrote about private thought (pondering) and public thought

Are you talking about two layers of thinking about the same thing, when you say public or private thinking? Or about how you think about something when there is yes or no an outside influence? Or is one more on an emotional, one on an intellectual approach? There are so many angles from which I could read this, so might be better to ask…

Rereading th particular post. It indeed lacks clarity.

So now I try to be clearer about it.

I try to be clear. I describe what is happening and what appears to be happening.  Wat Intended to report about I didn’t. but I’m going to in a other post.

 

 

With what I called private thought I meant pondering Thinking in yourself about something.  It is different than talking in yourself. It feels different to me.

  • feels more or less central located in the top of the brain
  • it feels “held in”. remember I am talking about pondering, thinking in myself.

What I called public, expressive thinking is more like talking to your self.

  • feel located below the pondering location and more linguistic
  • does not feel held in.

surprise also seems different.  With that It feels like the area around the eyes is

  • When surprise we raise our eyes.
  • surprise feels like located ,up front, at the eyes

I have to be careful to accurate in what I feel

casual

Today 2-10-2017 I was in a biostore. There I got upset. Having come home I went to community center next door to talk. I started to talk  and the listener said I was talking about something that could be said at a casual, chit-chat  moment like when where eating together, but he said that he had the impression that was not what I wanted to talk about. I was stunned. It was true that the talk was from a need. Was his understanding correct ?

He was right about it being a need. But was what i was saying not really what I need to talk about? Although I had originally thought it was.

It made me silent and thoughtful. He proposed we could talk about it tomorrow while we eat together.  I responded that was probably not going to happen because 1 if had worked through what I had needed to talk about then I no longer would have a talk about it; It at least would not be “needed” talk. 2 Tomorrow would be different time thus different topics.

He probably was right. It has occurred many times here that what I ended up writing was not what started out wanting to write about. It seems I got on a track to talk that didn’t contain the essence of what I wanted to talk about.

Which brings me back to my previous post “distinction and dimensions” that ended not completely with what I wanted to write about.
The writing there about different kind of thought and where they seem to be located came up as I was writing. That post was not intended for that.

Back to this post.

When I was at home think it through.

What came up was that we

  • take things for granted, we accept the status quo.
  • we lead a chit-chat life. Like nothings wrong
  • we talk about problems, crises-es  but carry on living as usual.
    No rolling up sleeves, standing up and following better judgment.

We are not awake. We are to busy watching soap-operas.
We need a entertaining, rallying frame work to dig deep in our wallets and sponsor a good cause.

We lead a casual life. We accept terrorism. We accept unemployment.
We accept political leaders that have been warned about radicalization and that ignore it. We cannot say “wirr habben das nigt gewußt”. Political misconduct has less rallying power than our favored football team.

The flower power people of the seventies had more backbone than we do.

Why do we accept so much thrash ?

We reap what we sow.

It is not Trump we should be afraid of.

The casual way of our life is more dangerous.

Eichmann in Jerusalem: A Report on the Banality of Evil (public library) by Hannah Arendt.

this insight, and post is not enough. It lacks depth and width

Distinction and dimensions

I chose distinction as title for various meanings.

  • distinction : telling one from another.
    Tonight 29-sept I managed that.
    instead of putting,falling,finding the thruth place for things.
  • Achieving distinction

How to write this ?

I’m at home now. It’s late at night. Past midnight. Twilight Time.

How far does one get with something that does not make sens ?
Or for which one has a erroneous sens. Which may be called superstition, or assumption.

(to stitch above, a top > superstition. )

Not far or in the wrong way.

Unfortunately that is where we start from. And most stay there. Even educated ones.

The distinction I made tonight. (Phil Collins :tonight)

It’s like distincting the left hand from the right hand.
Learning that the hand I am holding is wrong. Barking up the wrong tree.

In the past I learned that as I was silencing myself meditatively. I was really blocked, closed. Naturally I dropped that.

Or when I became aware of my current frame of though I slipped, flipped to the opposite or wider frame.

Or I hear or read something that give me a lift, Hey that’s it.

That describes basically my process of progress.

I was some year’s ago In a group of psychiatric patients talking about how their doing, There was one man in that group when he spoke It was like my head was submersed in lead. I struggled to lighten it. I could not. It was when the next person spoke that my head was lightened, He was cheerful, the previous I later learned was a trouble man, as trauma. He breath of fresh air that gave.  Today I met another person from that group again.

Time for some analysis. What was going on ? Why was my head in a clamp when 1 man spoke, but lightened when another spoke

What influenced me ? Think about it and let us know Your perception.

As I sat to write this I noticed. some things with regard to thinking and where it felt that they occurred. There seemed to be a distinction in location.

There seemed to be a “private” thought, In hindsight it is what called pondering,wondering, It seemed located high up and in the center of my brain. Apart from that, Distantiated. There seemed to be “public, expressive” thinking. Which seemed to be located underneath and more to the front.
After that I had a surprise which thought-wise seemed to occur ,brain-wise, before the center and high.

thinking on different levels

dryly put in a list. which I wrote first, but is put behind the “wet” story form.
I do not want to put of any readers.

“public” “private”; “linguistic” , “others”

  • -“public” “expressive thinking”
    That feels like its located in a different part in the brain than the “private” thinking. Namely beneath and before.  Like a belly beneath a chest. Or like a bowl underneath  the private part.
  • private thinking seems now a misnomer. maybe to some degree.
    Based on a new experience just now.
    “surprised” thinking felt like it was before “private” and high.
  • What I called private thinking seems therefore to be better called
    source, origin, well. It is known as pondering.

———-
oops : writing,conceptualizing this is not a race.
I got to lay of the whip (the h in whip makes sense (( think about it)). No Yai Yai Yai. Spurring on mi horse.
——

 

Block vision

I had a vision.

I lived in Antwerp. Trying to remember when is difficult. At first I get nothing except for a sensation of activity. I wait and after a few second a thought appears that it is not going work. I continue waiting and fear and short of  breath sensation in the brain appears.

The block vision
I was in space and a meteor came toward me, or I came towards it .
It was a bit high. I tried to push it away. I tried that several times.
Each time I failed. Then the vision changed to me flying over it.
I saw a rough surface. faces appeared and disappeared in the rock face, one after the other.
Some faces where easy to spot others where behind a feature of the block.

The vision changed to a city in space through which I flew. That did not last long.
After which the vision ended.

I am curious what you make of this vision.