Category Archives: conflict


Today I felt embarrassed toward a woman. When I looked for why. I felt I was embarrassed because I love her.

I was at a table filled with people preparing a community meal. at first after my discovery I was quiet, surprised.

I said

“I have a problem”. I was asked why.

“I find myself embarrassed toward you”.

“why ?”

At first I was quiet. Then I looked towards the source again.

“because I love you” : even writing this last sentence causes a little anguish.

This is not the first time I did such a thing.

After words I feel better. Relieved.



Today 2-10-2017 I was in a biostore. There I got upset. Having come home I went to community center next door to talk. I started to talk  and the listener said I was talking about something that could be said at a casual, chit-chat  moment like when where eating together, but he said that he had the impression that was not what I wanted to talk about. I was stunned. It was true that the talk was from a need. Was his understanding correct ?

He was right about it being a need. But was what i was saying not really what I need to talk about? Although I had originally thought it was.

It made me silent and thoughtful. He proposed we could talk about it tomorrow while we eat together.  I responded that was probably not going to happen because 1 if had worked through what I had needed to talk about then I no longer would have a talk about it; It at least would not be “needed” talk. 2 Tomorrow would be different time thus different topics.

He probably was right. It has occurred many times here that what I ended up writing was not what started out wanting to write about. It seems I got on a track to talk that didn’t contain the essence of what I wanted to talk about.

Which brings me back to my previous post “distinction and dimensions” that ended not completely with what I wanted to write about.
The writing there about different kind of thought and where they seem to be located came up as I was writing. That post was not intended for that.

Back to this post.

When I was at home think it through.

What came up was that we

  • take things for granted, we accept the status quo.
  • we lead a chit-chat life. Like nothings wrong
  • we talk about problems, crises-es  but carry on living as usual.
    No rolling up sleeves, standing up and following better judgment.

We are not awake. We are to busy watching soap-operas.
We need a entertaining, rallying frame work to dig deep in our wallets and sponsor a good cause.

We lead a casual life. We accept terrorism. We accept unemployment.
We accept political leaders that have been warned about radicalization and that ignore it. We cannot say “wirr habben das nigt gewußt”. Political misconduct has less rallying power than our favored football team.

The flower power people of the seventies had more backbone than we do.

Why do we accept so much thrash ?

We reap what we sow.

It is not Trump we should be afraid of.

The casual way of our life is more dangerous.

Eichmann in Jerusalem: A Report on the Banality of Evil (public library) by Hannah Arendt.

this insight, and post is not enough. It lacks depth and width


Today I read this post. Yesterday evening I went to bar here in Antwerp. I was to late for the live music. The night was not a loss. I stayed until 2 or 3 in the morning talking to some people. Maybe connecting with another through the energy, consciousness and hearing a bit of her thoughts concerning me.

I had a dialogue with the man next to me about people. It was difficult to put in to words what I wanted to say. I started talking about it using economy, but that puts up the right or wrong of the economy. That was not what I wanted to talk about.
No. What I wanted to talk about is not exclusive to the economy.
We are al in roles. a treadmill. The Stanford University prison experiment shows that. Other psychological experiments also show it.  Every role puts blinders on. The blinders makes us zombies. Blind to what we do. Only seeing the seeming need that needs to get done. Our fellow humans fall by the wayside. Ourselfs falls by the wayside.

As a child we question not our parents over what they give us. We question not our teachers. Our parents do not question what they give us. Growing up we are told , taught, disciplined how to life. Step outside that how and they retaliate. Besides that we also have desires and talents.Which we inherit. We are brought up in a world where all those that are not family have to pay. A friend may get free access or discount.
Why ?
It is written in the post. Hierarchy of openness. ( read it)
Why is that ?

The problem is deeper than humans. Deeper than mammals. Maybe deeper than plants.
All animals have that hierarchy of openness. What I wanted to talk about was not even exclusive to humans.

solutions: escape,hide,shield or fight,struggle or solve. Only the full truth solves it ones and for all.
Humans we are. One can only start from where one is. Solving the problems of our society ones and for all is to solve ourselfs.

Conflict over buying a pair of shoes and pants

Yesterday. 29 december 2016

I am now trying to remember yesterday, and not just write what comes to mind.

I was going to buy 1 pair of shoes and a pair of pants. I got a mental conflict over it. which caused me to go back home and lay down. For I have very little space at the top of my head for emotional stress. Due to my past. It gave me physical pain at the top of my head, and making it hot.

I eventually bought them and a pair of pair of pants. Expensive too. I was going to a street where I have not shopped before for either. So I wondered where in that street I would buy them. I do not know why but I consulted my instinct. And I indeed for a store there.. Ow I think I just realized why I consulted my instinct. A few days before I was with a good friend. He has a set of tarot cards. He layed them out on the table in random order and asked me to pick a card. First I had a thought to pick a card in the middle. I didn’t. Because it didn’t come from instinct but from a logic that picking the card in the middle is a good choice .


If you want the card that is right. You have to pick on instinct not on a logic.

Which I did. I felt an urge to pick a card that was not in the middle. It was the devil, from the book of Thot tarot card deck.