Category Archives: experience

embarrassment

Today I felt embarrassed toward a woman. When I looked for why. I felt I was embarrassed because I love her.

I was at a table filled with people preparing a community meal. at first after my discovery I was quiet, surprised.

I said

“I have a problem”. I was asked why.

“I find myself embarrassed toward you”.

“why ?”

At first I was quiet. Then I looked towards the source again.

“because I love you” : even writing this last sentence causes a little anguish.

This is not the first time I did such a thing.

After words I feel better. Relieved.

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Noticing difference with regards to thinking

A friend remark about my previous post that she was not sure what I meant when I wrote about private thought (pondering) and public thought

Are you talking about two layers of thinking about the same thing, when you say public or private thinking? Or about how you think about something when there is yes or no an outside influence? Or is one more on an emotional, one on an intellectual approach? There are so many angles from which I could read this, so might be better to ask…

Rereading th particular post. It indeed lacks clarity.

So now I try to be clearer about it.

I try to be clear. I describe what is happening and what appears to be happening.  Wat Intended to report about I didn’t. but I’m going to in a other post.

 

 

With what I called private thought I meant pondering Thinking in yourself about something.  It is different than talking in yourself. It feels different to me.

  • feels more or less central located in the top of the brain
  • it feels “held in”. remember I am talking about pondering, thinking in myself.

What I called public, expressive thinking is more like talking to your self.

  • feel located below the pondering location and more linguistic
  • does not feel held in.

surprise also seems different.  With that It feels like the area around the eyes is

  • When surprise we raise our eyes.
  • surprise feels like located ,up front, at the eyes

I have to be careful to accurate in what I feel

Distinction and dimensions

I chose distinction as title for various meanings.

  • distinction : telling one from another.
    Tonight 29-sept I managed that.
    instead of putting,falling,finding the thruth place for things.
  • Achieving distinction

How to write this ?

I’m at home now. It’s late at night. Past midnight. Twilight Time.

How far does one get with something that does not make sens ?
Or for which one has a erroneous sens. Which may be called superstition, or assumption.

(to stitch above, a top > superstition. )

Not far or in the wrong way.

Unfortunately that is where we start from. And most stay there. Even educated ones.

The distinction I made tonight. (Phil Collins :tonight)

It’s like distincting the left hand from the right hand.
Learning that the hand I am holding is wrong. Barking up the wrong tree.

In the past I learned that as I was silencing myself meditatively. I was really blocked, closed. Naturally I dropped that.

Or when I became aware of my current frame of though I slipped, flipped to the opposite or wider frame.

Or I hear or read something that give me a lift, Hey that’s it.

That describes basically my process of progress.

I was some year’s ago In a group of psychiatric patients talking about how their doing, There was one man in that group when he spoke It was like my head was submersed in lead. I struggled to lighten it. I could not. It was when the next person spoke that my head was lightened, He was cheerful, the previous I later learned was a trouble man, as trauma. He breath of fresh air that gave.  Today I met another person from that group again.

Time for some analysis. What was going on ? Why was my head in a clamp when 1 man spoke, but lightened when another spoke

What influenced me ? Think about it and let us know Your perception.

As I sat to write this I noticed. some things with regard to thinking and where it felt that they occurred. There seemed to be a distinction in location.

There seemed to be a “private” thought, In hindsight it is what called pondering,wondering, It seemed located high up and in the center of my brain. Apart from that, Distantiated. There seemed to be “public, expressive” thinking. Which seemed to be located underneath and more to the front.
After that I had a surprise which thought-wise seemed to occur ,brain-wise, before the center and high.

thinking on different levels

dryly put in a list. which I wrote first, but is put behind the “wet” story form.
I do not want to put of any readers.

“public” “private”; “linguistic” , “others”

  • -“public” “expressive thinking”
    That feels like its located in a different part in the brain than the “private” thinking. Namely beneath and before.  Like a belly beneath a chest. Or like a bowl underneath  the private part.
  • private thinking seems now a misnomer. maybe to some degree.
    Based on a new experience just now.
    “surprised” thinking felt like it was before “private” and high.
  • What I called private thinking seems therefore to be better called
    source, origin, well. It is known as pondering.

———-
oops : writing,conceptualizing this is not a race.
I got to lay of the whip (the h in whip makes sense (( think about it)). No Yai Yai Yai. Spurring on mi horse.
——

 

give joy

Typed at a concert Enjoying it. Not criticizing.
It is fun that way. It is true that they are not masters and no in tune. I do not mind. I enjoy never te less. If find them at fault Then I am at fault. I am enjoying there discord.
They are playing some dixie like music. Sure well played harmonic music is beautiful.

They invited peole to dance. I was the only one to dance. I danced with silly mood. Pretty in concord with the music. At the end I bowed.

I gave joy to myself.

In what’s called bad weather

Today – monday 6-3-2017 – I went out again.

I was gone for longer but ran less.

Fresh in memory. Still, not all details will be recalled.

After my run of 3h30 thursday my thighs where painful. That has mostly cleared up. My run/walk of today did not add to that. Good.

The weather is cold and rainy. Did not bother me. Me running in sandals. sometimes avoiding puddles. Doing that until I think “fuck that” and I step in them. Feet get a bit cold.  At home I replaced the wet stinky socks I was wearing with new ones. So much for “fuck that”. The cold did not bother me, but when I got home I had practically no force in my hands. I did not have cold feeling hands but they where cold. So I did not feel the true situation of my hands. Dangerous but useful.

Again my outing – not this message (outing) – was a spiritual exercise. oops need to add detail. The previous post mentions it as a yogic exercise. but I can Just as easily call it by the name of an other spiritual practice. What I practice – not preach – is being open and relaxed.

I put my conscious on my self – purely therapeutic I am a good little boy. you know. My parents raised me well. – with a calm and relaxed but active state (running, walking) and intention. The intention off being open to myself.  Relaxing by putting my calm, and open awareness on the spot.

I shifted my conscious from my head to my feet and hips and shoulder with a semi-automatic shift to whole body . Not hole body.  When my conscious – with relaxed state and also relaxed and opening intention – is on my head. The stress, cramp there goes to my shoulders or my feet. So I have to include them too.  When I want to open the stressed area at the top of my head It can at times be easy to miss it.

 

Coincidence

Today I read this post. Yesterday evening I went to bar here in Antwerp. I was to late for the live music. The night was not a loss. I stayed until 2 or 3 in the morning talking to some people. Maybe connecting with another through the energy, consciousness and hearing a bit of her thoughts concerning me.

I had a dialogue with the man next to me about people. It was difficult to put in to words what I wanted to say. I started talking about it using economy, but that puts up the right or wrong of the economy. That was not what I wanted to talk about.
No. What I wanted to talk about is not exclusive to the economy.
We are al in roles. a treadmill. The Stanford University prison experiment shows that. Other psychological experiments also show it.  Every role puts blinders on. The blinders makes us zombies. Blind to what we do. Only seeing the seeming need that needs to get done. Our fellow humans fall by the wayside. Ourselfs falls by the wayside.

As a child we question not our parents over what they give us. We question not our teachers. Our parents do not question what they give us. Growing up we are told , taught, disciplined how to life. Step outside that how and they retaliate. Besides that we also have desires and talents.Which we inherit. We are brought up in a world where all those that are not family have to pay. A friend may get free access or discount.
Why ?
It is written in the post. Hierarchy of openness. ( read it)
Why is that ?

The problem is deeper than humans. Deeper than mammals. Maybe deeper than plants.
All animals have that hierarchy of openness. What I wanted to talk about was not even exclusive to humans.

solutions: escape,hide,shield or fight,struggle or solve. Only the full truth solves it ones and for all.
Humans we are. One can only start from where one is. Solving the problems of our society ones and for all is to solve ourselfs.

my road so far

This post is inspired by http://www.saschahjort.com/what-is-spirituality/

My spirituality.  It started around the beginning of the summer or of 2006 some eleven years ago. Oops not true. It started earlier. with meditation.  Or even earlier when as a child I read comic books. Those books did not take me away, as we are acustomed to think of it. It’s my imagination spinning in my head the scenes of the comic book that took me away. For nothing but the love of adveture. That is also spirituality. But not that of buddhism, shamanism, christianity, islam, communing with nature. No that is of a different nature.

2006 though was a year that started something. Better said something (‘s) was/where started then. Struggle. Growth. Falling and getting up again. Recognising my nature. Fumbling, luckily not lethal but definitely very painfully to the point of being made in some way incapacitatted. ,Although it should have been much worse considering. I did not have bronchitis

A friend said I’m strong. I was surprised to hear that. But that I overlooked my situation and I had to agree. He is strong to. He has Multiple Scleroses. Doctors are baffled be how well he does. according to them he should be paralysed a long time ago. With this on my mind now I feel some crying , no tears though,  from happiness and sadness. I have felt despaire over my condition. Understandable. But it does no good crying over spilled milk. And quoting monthy python : when your chewing on life’s gristle don’t grumble . give a whistle https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ECUtkv2qV8 It does no arm crying a little. It can give relief. After, I can breath a little easier.

I just started a page to further and in depth tell this story. It gives it then a more permanent nature than this blog post.

The rest of this post shall be reflections on my myself inspired by the writing of  Sascha Hjort.

Thank you Sascha.

What life am I going to live ? Not coasting. One of exploration, learning. Learning what makes us, me included tic. Not out of idle curiosity but out of need. Need for myself for humans. for a better future. This will cause me to have interesting times ahead.

To learn what I need I must for the foreseeable future not go to university. For there my time will be spend filling my head with knowledge. A lot of knowledge in a relative short amount time. No I must learn what it takes to learn. oops I already know that. It is wrapping my head around it. twisting , turning and scaling  how I look at it until I get it. Voila I know what it takes. If you recognise the previous than you also knew. Do I also know how ?

Wrong . That is also not what I currently need to gain. I need to clarify, make clear what I learned so far. Take it out of the castle in the sky and put in my house on the ground.

After having learned what makes us tic I need to apply that to show others.

My days as wallflower will be over then.

have a nice time

Signing of

Guy Bongers De Buck